Woke up in a light mood this morning after a particularly bananas dream about our 16 year-old daughter whom I met in the halls of the high school. Ha! These drugs, man...they do things to you.
The good feelings were short-lived as Mel Brooks informed us that my lining only grew .5 mm since Tuesday. It's at 6 now and needs to be at least 7, ideally thicker. What's the hang-up, uterus? Why you no grow?
So my ideal transfer-during-midterms hopes were shot to hell which means, as I should have anticipated, that I might have to take some actual teaching days off if this lining remains as sluggish as it currently is. My next check is on Monday. Not happy at all. "Pissed" would be perhaps a bit of an overstatement to describe how I feel right now but if things don't turn around in the next three days, I certainly will be just that.
I just want to shoot myself in the ass with large gauge needles! Is that too much to ask?! Henceforth I would like to rename this cycle HUAW, instead of FET, for "Hurry up and wait." That seems more accurate.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
7 down, 5 to go
It's the start of Week Two at MHS. We're testing on Of Mice and Men and The Great Gatsby today which leaves me plenty of time to sit in the back and plan for Romeo and Streetcar. It's kind of exciting to think that I might not be alone while teaching during my first week. I may have a stowaway or two learning iambic pentameter along with the lovies, just waiting to be detected. I'm sure the time will go quickly then but now it's crawling.
Tomorrow is yet another lining check. I'm waiting for something to happen, counting on a change, hoping that this estrace misery is almost at an end. Ideally, Dr. Hock likes to see patients stay on the pills for 12 days and that would take me through this Friday but I'm hoping that by tomorrow the growth is noticeable so she may want me to come back later this week to make the call to start progesterone in oil shots (PIO).
As ever, it's a lot of hurry up and wait but at least I have a fairly rigorous schedule to take my mind off of things from the time I wake up until I pick Oscar up at 4:00. The night is another story so we try our best to fill it with good food, good tv, and reading ourselves to sleep. Honestly, though, if I'm not thinking of my uterus, I'm thinking of entry points into Shakespeare for struggling readers and my dreams become these vivid high school mash-ups of my life and someone else's set to a Baz Luhrmann score. It's pretty great but kinda scary.
Tomorrow is yet another lining check. I'm waiting for something to happen, counting on a change, hoping that this estrace misery is almost at an end. Ideally, Dr. Hock likes to see patients stay on the pills for 12 days and that would take me through this Friday but I'm hoping that by tomorrow the growth is noticeable so she may want me to come back later this week to make the call to start progesterone in oil shots (PIO).
As ever, it's a lot of hurry up and wait but at least I have a fairly rigorous schedule to take my mind off of things from the time I wake up until I pick Oscar up at 4:00. The night is another story so we try our best to fill it with good food, good tv, and reading ourselves to sleep. Honestly, though, if I'm not thinking of my uterus, I'm thinking of entry points into Shakespeare for struggling readers and my dreams become these vivid high school mash-ups of my life and someone else's set to a Baz Luhrmann score. It's pretty great but kinda scary.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Twelfth Night
The Feast of the Epiphany or in secular terms, Twelfth Night, is the last of the yuletide revels before the harsh reality of winter sets in. I'll be celebrating in spirit but for now, it's time to take a nice tub and make some soup for dinner.
So there was some period drama last week but I'll spare you the full recap. Basically AF was here, then gone, now sort of here again but it doesn't matter because we went back to the Stork Club today and everything looks great.
That's what I like to hear before my first day on the job.
Scan showed a nice thin lining, Casper the Ghovary was still present with three little follies, as well as 6 small ones on the right. I'm not supposed to ovulate so we keep an eye on follicle size over the next two weeks, as well as hormone levels and lining thickness, for the moment to be absolutely right. If everything checks out, I could luck out with my MLK weekend transfer and not have to miss a day of work. That would be excellent, though no big deal if I'm out during midterms that Tuesday.
So now I start estrace tablets twice a day and go back in every 4 days for bw/us. I should be nice and emotional by the time we get into Romeo and Juliet so watch out, kids. I can ugly cry right alongside Claire Danes.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Still ahead of us
Happy 2014! Good riddance, 2013 - you sucked big time (pardon my French.)
I'd love to say "aaaaaaand we're off" but it seems the holidays brought more than revels and gifts: they've brought more limbo. As we await this Blizzard Hercules, I am still awaiting AF. Come on, pal! I thought you'd be here for me like clockwork on 12/30 (happy anniversary!) but nope. You're MIA. What happened? Was it because I indulged in several yuletide beverages? Or because I all of a sudden developed an appetite for manchego again?
Seriously. You mock me with this lateness. Not ok. I start student teaching on Monday so you better show up before then or I will not be a happy camper.
There actually is a medical explanation for this delay that I stumbled across two weeks ago. On a whim, I did an ovulation test on Christmas Eve because I had a nagging suspicion the excruciating backache and pinching in my right side was related to some gynecological occurrence. Turns out, the test was positive. I haven't seen a digital smiley face since May! I confirmed it was not the fertility drugs leaving my system by taking a pregnancy test which was negative, natch. Had it been positive, I could blame the smiley on the drugs but nope, it's legit. I typically get a moody backache during ovulation. Good to know things are working, even when they're not exactly working the way I want them to. Not so good to know the whole cycle is now off by 10 days or so but I've learned by now not to bank on anything.
Judging by the new timing, I should hopefully have my AF by Tuesday, latest, which means a visit to RMA by January 9. No bid deal in the grand scheme of things, though transfer may fall closer to Jan 31 or even February at this rate.
My New Year's wish is for everything to go smoothly from here. And for Oscar to behave himself at Pet Pals.
I'd love to say "aaaaaaand we're off" but it seems the holidays brought more than revels and gifts: they've brought more limbo. As we await this Blizzard Hercules, I am still awaiting AF. Come on, pal! I thought you'd be here for me like clockwork on 12/30 (happy anniversary!) but nope. You're MIA. What happened? Was it because I indulged in several yuletide beverages? Or because I all of a sudden developed an appetite for manchego again?
Seriously. You mock me with this lateness. Not ok. I start student teaching on Monday so you better show up before then or I will not be a happy camper.
There actually is a medical explanation for this delay that I stumbled across two weeks ago. On a whim, I did an ovulation test on Christmas Eve because I had a nagging suspicion the excruciating backache and pinching in my right side was related to some gynecological occurrence. Turns out, the test was positive. I haven't seen a digital smiley face since May! I confirmed it was not the fertility drugs leaving my system by taking a pregnancy test which was negative, natch. Had it been positive, I could blame the smiley on the drugs but nope, it's legit. I typically get a moody backache during ovulation. Good to know things are working, even when they're not exactly working the way I want them to. Not so good to know the whole cycle is now off by 10 days or so but I've learned by now not to bank on anything.
Judging by the new timing, I should hopefully have my AF by Tuesday, latest, which means a visit to RMA by January 9. No bid deal in the grand scheme of things, though transfer may fall closer to Jan 31 or even February at this rate.
My New Year's wish is for everything to go smoothly from here. And for Oscar to behave himself at Pet Pals.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Fa la la!
Christmas came early to L'ambiance Court!
My pals at Cigna home pharmacy called me Monday with news of a "special delivery." I was getting a care package of some estrogen, steroids, antibiotics and - newsflash - progesterone in oil with accompanying 1.5 inch needles. That's right: I am now on the PIO shot protocol which is standard for FET. All that bitching about suppositories was for naught. Now I'm in the major leagues and there's no going back.
The fun starts sometime in mid-January. Once my lining is at the appropriate thickness, I get to inject my ass once a day with these bad boys, intramuscular and slowly. You have to draw back a bit to make sure you didn't hit a blood vessel once it's in all the way...did I mention FUN?
Honestly, if this results in success I don't really care if my bum resembles a spongy eggplant by the end. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A BABY (or two.) Oscar wants to be a big brother so badly, it makes my ovaries hurt. Let's get a move on this ho-ho-ho and onto 2014 we go!
My pals at Cigna home pharmacy called me Monday with news of a "special delivery." I was getting a care package of some estrogen, steroids, antibiotics and - newsflash - progesterone in oil with accompanying 1.5 inch needles. That's right: I am now on the PIO shot protocol which is standard for FET. All that bitching about suppositories was for naught. Now I'm in the major leagues and there's no going back.
The fun starts sometime in mid-January. Once my lining is at the appropriate thickness, I get to inject my ass once a day with these bad boys, intramuscular and slowly. You have to draw back a bit to make sure you didn't hit a blood vessel once it's in all the way...did I mention FUN?
Honestly, if this results in success I don't really care if my bum resembles a spongy eggplant by the end. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A BABY (or two.) Oscar wants to be a big brother so badly, it makes my ovaries hurt. Let's get a move on this ho-ho-ho and onto 2014 we go!
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Day 1 of "rest cycle"
Should have known AF was just around the corner when I found myself getting misty over the dulcet tones of the Jackson Five Christmas album. Totally lost it during "Give Love On Christmas Day." What, little MJ has never brought a tear to your eye? (I sometimes dream of raising musically talented children who will form a sibling duo or quartet -- which is hilarious, if you've heard either Rhett or me sing.)
Yesterday afternoon, I got the urge to take Oscar out for a "frustration run" through the park. We lasted two miles; the last quarter consisted of me stopping every 50 yards so as not to strangle my stubborn pup sitting on the grass. He loves to sprint in one direction only but hates to turn around and go home. We got back finally after what felt like 20 minutes of coaxing and there was the gift I've been waiting for.
I did as I was instructed and called Nurse Anne. Who else but an IVFer lunges for the phone when her period comes? What will happen when no one knows my menstrual cycle after this is all over? Will I got through notification withdrawal? I'll have to start posting on facebook...
Shockingly, within an hour of making the Day One call, my phone rang and it was Anne calling back. She was in an uncharacteristically chatty mood and told me all about driving to South Jersey for Thanksgiving at her mother's. She also got around to instructions for the next month. The whole FET cycle is approximately 21 days, which is longer than you'd think it would be, but seems simple enough.
I call on my next Day One, sometime around New Year's, and then we start. Less monitoring - every 4 days - and then more frequently once you start the progesterone for the last week. Yes, there are lots of variables but hopefully if everything looks normal there won't be any roadblocks. I'll be hearing back from Anne later this week regarding what protocol Dr. Hock wants to use. I could do the standard estrogen priming or there's a way called "unmedicated" which relies on your body's natural ovulation. The risk with using Estrace for 3+ weeks is that it will flare my Endometriosis but we don't really know how bad the reaction will be until it happens. The risk of unmedicated is that you are dependent on your body's natural hormones and timing, which has its own disadvantages as well as perks.
We shall see which one is recommended, though it would be nice to have a choice.
Yesterday afternoon, I got the urge to take Oscar out for a "frustration run" through the park. We lasted two miles; the last quarter consisted of me stopping every 50 yards so as not to strangle my stubborn pup sitting on the grass. He loves to sprint in one direction only but hates to turn around and go home. We got back finally after what felt like 20 minutes of coaxing and there was the gift I've been waiting for.
I did as I was instructed and called Nurse Anne. Who else but an IVFer lunges for the phone when her period comes? What will happen when no one knows my menstrual cycle after this is all over? Will I got through notification withdrawal? I'll have to start posting on facebook...
Shockingly, within an hour of making the Day One call, my phone rang and it was Anne calling back. She was in an uncharacteristically chatty mood and told me all about driving to South Jersey for Thanksgiving at her mother's. She also got around to instructions for the next month. The whole FET cycle is approximately 21 days, which is longer than you'd think it would be, but seems simple enough.
I call on my next Day One, sometime around New Year's, and then we start. Less monitoring - every 4 days - and then more frequently once you start the progesterone for the last week. Yes, there are lots of variables but hopefully if everything looks normal there won't be any roadblocks. I'll be hearing back from Anne later this week regarding what protocol Dr. Hock wants to use. I could do the standard estrogen priming or there's a way called "unmedicated" which relies on your body's natural ovulation. The risk with using Estrace for 3+ weeks is that it will flare my Endometriosis but we don't really know how bad the reaction will be until it happens. The risk of unmedicated is that you are dependent on your body's natural hormones and timing, which has its own disadvantages as well as perks.
We shall see which one is recommended, though it would be nice to have a choice.
Monday, December 2, 2013
7 on ice...that's a wrap, for now
There's a lot to update on this Monday. I doubt I'll be as detailed now as I could have been in the moment but I'll sure as heck be funnier.
So transfer didn't happen.
We got the call Wednesday morning in the midst of pie making that our embryos were a bit pokey and wouldn't be ready for my transfer window. It's absurd to me that the uterus basically has a three hour window and if they miss it, nothing will stand a chance of implanting anyway. How does this even happen in normal bedrooms across the world? I don't understand!
Thanksgiving morning came and went as we waited for the call with our final cryopreservation count. We were fortunate: only one embryo arrested, leaving us with a total of 7 frosties. Seven is a great number under normal circumstances and an exceptional one for ol' DOR me. We did our best to be happy in the moment and believe me; we are happy, though I confess I am more relieved than anything else. Happy would imply a finality and we still have so very far to go before I will ever be able to accept "happiness" without the stain of questions/frustration/what-ifs.
We'll be doing a frozen embryo transfer sometime in January, as RMA closes the lab for two weeks in December for quarterly cleaning. Such luck we have! This is why we couldn't start a cycle until July, as ill-fated as that was, and now we hit the same delay 6 months later? Any other time of year, I could have started prep immediately. Unfair!
I almost wish I could say this was an elective break from IVF (are they ever though, really?) but instead I feel as though I'm just waiting for some undetermined point in January that is all dependent on some other person's schedule - which it kind of is - oh, and my stubborn menstrual cycle. It has yet to make an appearance since I stopped all meds six days ago. Tick tock, period. Let's go.
Then I came across this Motherlode post today from the NYT:
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/11/26/taking-a-break-from-i-v-f/?sr c=recg
I'm a great admirer of her blog and was happy to find that what I'm feeling is shared by someone else. I want to send this article to every relative who knows what we're going through, it so perfectly sums up my head space right now.
I get it: we are supposed to embrace the silver lining. Yes, I'm thrilled I can exercise and make plans and attempt to be generally festive and normal (hopefully feeling like myself once all of these *&%$ing drugs are out of my system.)
But it's hard. It's hard confronting the holidays without even the hope of being pregnant. Even though we're only approaching the second year in our IF journey, it feels like a decade has gone by with nothing to show for it. Facebook is teeming with other peoples' cute kids and I just can't anymore. I really don't go on except to post some humorous status update or silly Oscar photo (because he's the furry baby I have right now.)
Could I be more positive? Of course. But that's generally not my outlook. I am not Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music" and I never will be. I'm a cautious, skeptical Mr. Spock when it comes to IVF stuff. Sure, there are times when it's easier than others to look around and be grateful for how well things have gone up to this point. There are good days, bad days, days that seem to ramble on interminably and days that whip by because I spent the entire time doing housework or reading. School ends tomorrow. I am nowhere near finished but at least I don't have finals this time.
For one thing, I can't wait to be around all of my cousins' children during the holidays but when I look at them, the longing returns. The "I thought that would be us by now" feeling won't leave, even though I love those kids and would do anything for them. The more time that goes by, the more I start to feel a little pang of regret that we didn't try earlier. (Yes, I know we're not even married two years yet...I didn't say it was rational!) Maybe then they would be closer in age, I tell myself.
I just hate taking a break at the moment I least want to stop. We were so close. We will be close again, I know, but it doesn't much take away the sting of having to do my least favorite thing on the planet: be patient.
So transfer didn't happen.
We got the call Wednesday morning in the midst of pie making that our embryos were a bit pokey and wouldn't be ready for my transfer window. It's absurd to me that the uterus basically has a three hour window and if they miss it, nothing will stand a chance of implanting anyway. How does this even happen in normal bedrooms across the world? I don't understand!
Thanksgiving morning came and went as we waited for the call with our final cryopreservation count. We were fortunate: only one embryo arrested, leaving us with a total of 7 frosties. Seven is a great number under normal circumstances and an exceptional one for ol' DOR me. We did our best to be happy in the moment and believe me; we are happy, though I confess I am more relieved than anything else. Happy would imply a finality and we still have so very far to go before I will ever be able to accept "happiness" without the stain of questions/frustration/what-ifs.
We'll be doing a frozen embryo transfer sometime in January, as RMA closes the lab for two weeks in December for quarterly cleaning. Such luck we have! This is why we couldn't start a cycle until July, as ill-fated as that was, and now we hit the same delay 6 months later? Any other time of year, I could have started prep immediately. Unfair!
I almost wish I could say this was an elective break from IVF (are they ever though, really?) but instead I feel as though I'm just waiting for some undetermined point in January that is all dependent on some other person's schedule - which it kind of is - oh, and my stubborn menstrual cycle. It has yet to make an appearance since I stopped all meds six days ago. Tick tock, period. Let's go.
Then I came across this Motherlode post today from the NYT:
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/11/26/taking-a-break-from-i-v-f/?sr c=recg
I'm a great admirer of her blog and was happy to find that what I'm feeling is shared by someone else. I want to send this article to every relative who knows what we're going through, it so perfectly sums up my head space right now.
I get it: we are supposed to embrace the silver lining. Yes, I'm thrilled I can exercise and make plans and attempt to be generally festive and normal (hopefully feeling like myself once all of these *&%$ing drugs are out of my system.)
But it's hard. It's hard confronting the holidays without even the hope of being pregnant. Even though we're only approaching the second year in our IF journey, it feels like a decade has gone by with nothing to show for it. Facebook is teeming with other peoples' cute kids and I just can't anymore. I really don't go on except to post some humorous status update or silly Oscar photo (because he's the furry baby I have right now.)
Could I be more positive? Of course. But that's generally not my outlook. I am not Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music" and I never will be. I'm a cautious, skeptical Mr. Spock when it comes to IVF stuff. Sure, there are times when it's easier than others to look around and be grateful for how well things have gone up to this point. There are good days, bad days, days that seem to ramble on interminably and days that whip by because I spent the entire time doing housework or reading. School ends tomorrow. I am nowhere near finished but at least I don't have finals this time.
For one thing, I can't wait to be around all of my cousins' children during the holidays but when I look at them, the longing returns. The "I thought that would be us by now" feeling won't leave, even though I love those kids and would do anything for them. The more time that goes by, the more I start to feel a little pang of regret that we didn't try earlier. (Yes, I know we're not even married two years yet...I didn't say it was rational!) Maybe then they would be closer in age, I tell myself.
I just hate taking a break at the moment I least want to stop. We were so close. We will be close again, I know, but it doesn't much take away the sting of having to do my least favorite thing on the planet: be patient.
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