Christmas came early to L'ambiance Court!
My pals at Cigna home pharmacy called me Monday with news of a "special delivery." I was getting a care package of some estrogen, steroids, antibiotics and - newsflash - progesterone in oil with accompanying 1.5 inch needles. That's right: I am now on the PIO shot protocol which is standard for FET. All that bitching about suppositories was for naught. Now I'm in the major leagues and there's no going back.
The fun starts sometime in mid-January. Once my lining is at the appropriate thickness, I get to inject my ass once a day with these bad boys, intramuscular and slowly. You have to draw back a bit to make sure you didn't hit a blood vessel once it's in all the way...did I mention FUN?
Honestly, if this results in success I don't really care if my bum resembles a spongy eggplant by the end. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A BABY (or two.) Oscar wants to be a big brother so badly, it makes my ovaries hurt. Let's get a move on this ho-ho-ho and onto 2014 we go!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Day 1 of "rest cycle"
Should have known AF was just around the corner when I found myself getting misty over the dulcet tones of the Jackson Five Christmas album. Totally lost it during "Give Love On Christmas Day." What, little MJ has never brought a tear to your eye? (I sometimes dream of raising musically talented children who will form a sibling duo or quartet -- which is hilarious, if you've heard either Rhett or me sing.)
Yesterday afternoon, I got the urge to take Oscar out for a "frustration run" through the park. We lasted two miles; the last quarter consisted of me stopping every 50 yards so as not to strangle my stubborn pup sitting on the grass. He loves to sprint in one direction only but hates to turn around and go home. We got back finally after what felt like 20 minutes of coaxing and there was the gift I've been waiting for.
I did as I was instructed and called Nurse Anne. Who else but an IVFer lunges for the phone when her period comes? What will happen when no one knows my menstrual cycle after this is all over? Will I got through notification withdrawal? I'll have to start posting on facebook...
Shockingly, within an hour of making the Day One call, my phone rang and it was Anne calling back. She was in an uncharacteristically chatty mood and told me all about driving to South Jersey for Thanksgiving at her mother's. She also got around to instructions for the next month. The whole FET cycle is approximately 21 days, which is longer than you'd think it would be, but seems simple enough.
I call on my next Day One, sometime around New Year's, and then we start. Less monitoring - every 4 days - and then more frequently once you start the progesterone for the last week. Yes, there are lots of variables but hopefully if everything looks normal there won't be any roadblocks. I'll be hearing back from Anne later this week regarding what protocol Dr. Hock wants to use. I could do the standard estrogen priming or there's a way called "unmedicated" which relies on your body's natural ovulation. The risk with using Estrace for 3+ weeks is that it will flare my Endometriosis but we don't really know how bad the reaction will be until it happens. The risk of unmedicated is that you are dependent on your body's natural hormones and timing, which has its own disadvantages as well as perks.
We shall see which one is recommended, though it would be nice to have a choice.
Yesterday afternoon, I got the urge to take Oscar out for a "frustration run" through the park. We lasted two miles; the last quarter consisted of me stopping every 50 yards so as not to strangle my stubborn pup sitting on the grass. He loves to sprint in one direction only but hates to turn around and go home. We got back finally after what felt like 20 minutes of coaxing and there was the gift I've been waiting for.
I did as I was instructed and called Nurse Anne. Who else but an IVFer lunges for the phone when her period comes? What will happen when no one knows my menstrual cycle after this is all over? Will I got through notification withdrawal? I'll have to start posting on facebook...
Shockingly, within an hour of making the Day One call, my phone rang and it was Anne calling back. She was in an uncharacteristically chatty mood and told me all about driving to South Jersey for Thanksgiving at her mother's. She also got around to instructions for the next month. The whole FET cycle is approximately 21 days, which is longer than you'd think it would be, but seems simple enough.
I call on my next Day One, sometime around New Year's, and then we start. Less monitoring - every 4 days - and then more frequently once you start the progesterone for the last week. Yes, there are lots of variables but hopefully if everything looks normal there won't be any roadblocks. I'll be hearing back from Anne later this week regarding what protocol Dr. Hock wants to use. I could do the standard estrogen priming or there's a way called "unmedicated" which relies on your body's natural ovulation. The risk with using Estrace for 3+ weeks is that it will flare my Endometriosis but we don't really know how bad the reaction will be until it happens. The risk of unmedicated is that you are dependent on your body's natural hormones and timing, which has its own disadvantages as well as perks.
We shall see which one is recommended, though it would be nice to have a choice.
Monday, December 2, 2013
7 on ice...that's a wrap, for now
There's a lot to update on this Monday. I doubt I'll be as detailed now as I could have been in the moment but I'll sure as heck be funnier.
So transfer didn't happen.
We got the call Wednesday morning in the midst of pie making that our embryos were a bit pokey and wouldn't be ready for my transfer window. It's absurd to me that the uterus basically has a three hour window and if they miss it, nothing will stand a chance of implanting anyway. How does this even happen in normal bedrooms across the world? I don't understand!
Thanksgiving morning came and went as we waited for the call with our final cryopreservation count. We were fortunate: only one embryo arrested, leaving us with a total of 7 frosties. Seven is a great number under normal circumstances and an exceptional one for ol' DOR me. We did our best to be happy in the moment and believe me; we are happy, though I confess I am more relieved than anything else. Happy would imply a finality and we still have so very far to go before I will ever be able to accept "happiness" without the stain of questions/frustration/what-ifs.
We'll be doing a frozen embryo transfer sometime in January, as RMA closes the lab for two weeks in December for quarterly cleaning. Such luck we have! This is why we couldn't start a cycle until July, as ill-fated as that was, and now we hit the same delay 6 months later? Any other time of year, I could have started prep immediately. Unfair!
I almost wish I could say this was an elective break from IVF (are they ever though, really?) but instead I feel as though I'm just waiting for some undetermined point in January that is all dependent on some other person's schedule - which it kind of is - oh, and my stubborn menstrual cycle. It has yet to make an appearance since I stopped all meds six days ago. Tick tock, period. Let's go.
Then I came across this Motherlode post today from the NYT:
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/11/26/taking-a-break-from-i-v-f/?sr c=recg
I'm a great admirer of her blog and was happy to find that what I'm feeling is shared by someone else. I want to send this article to every relative who knows what we're going through, it so perfectly sums up my head space right now.
I get it: we are supposed to embrace the silver lining. Yes, I'm thrilled I can exercise and make plans and attempt to be generally festive and normal (hopefully feeling like myself once all of these *&%$ing drugs are out of my system.)
But it's hard. It's hard confronting the holidays without even the hope of being pregnant. Even though we're only approaching the second year in our IF journey, it feels like a decade has gone by with nothing to show for it. Facebook is teeming with other peoples' cute kids and I just can't anymore. I really don't go on except to post some humorous status update or silly Oscar photo (because he's the furry baby I have right now.)
Could I be more positive? Of course. But that's generally not my outlook. I am not Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music" and I never will be. I'm a cautious, skeptical Mr. Spock when it comes to IVF stuff. Sure, there are times when it's easier than others to look around and be grateful for how well things have gone up to this point. There are good days, bad days, days that seem to ramble on interminably and days that whip by because I spent the entire time doing housework or reading. School ends tomorrow. I am nowhere near finished but at least I don't have finals this time.
For one thing, I can't wait to be around all of my cousins' children during the holidays but when I look at them, the longing returns. The "I thought that would be us by now" feeling won't leave, even though I love those kids and would do anything for them. The more time that goes by, the more I start to feel a little pang of regret that we didn't try earlier. (Yes, I know we're not even married two years yet...I didn't say it was rational!) Maybe then they would be closer in age, I tell myself.
I just hate taking a break at the moment I least want to stop. We were so close. We will be close again, I know, but it doesn't much take away the sting of having to do my least favorite thing on the planet: be patient.
So transfer didn't happen.
We got the call Wednesday morning in the midst of pie making that our embryos were a bit pokey and wouldn't be ready for my transfer window. It's absurd to me that the uterus basically has a three hour window and if they miss it, nothing will stand a chance of implanting anyway. How does this even happen in normal bedrooms across the world? I don't understand!
Thanksgiving morning came and went as we waited for the call with our final cryopreservation count. We were fortunate: only one embryo arrested, leaving us with a total of 7 frosties. Seven is a great number under normal circumstances and an exceptional one for ol' DOR me. We did our best to be happy in the moment and believe me; we are happy, though I confess I am more relieved than anything else. Happy would imply a finality and we still have so very far to go before I will ever be able to accept "happiness" without the stain of questions/frustration/what-ifs.
We'll be doing a frozen embryo transfer sometime in January, as RMA closes the lab for two weeks in December for quarterly cleaning. Such luck we have! This is why we couldn't start a cycle until July, as ill-fated as that was, and now we hit the same delay 6 months later? Any other time of year, I could have started prep immediately. Unfair!
I almost wish I could say this was an elective break from IVF (are they ever though, really?) but instead I feel as though I'm just waiting for some undetermined point in January that is all dependent on some other person's schedule - which it kind of is - oh, and my stubborn menstrual cycle. It has yet to make an appearance since I stopped all meds six days ago. Tick tock, period. Let's go.
Then I came across this Motherlode post today from the NYT:
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/11/26/taking-a-break-from-i-v-f/?sr c=recg
I'm a great admirer of her blog and was happy to find that what I'm feeling is shared by someone else. I want to send this article to every relative who knows what we're going through, it so perfectly sums up my head space right now.
I get it: we are supposed to embrace the silver lining. Yes, I'm thrilled I can exercise and make plans and attempt to be generally festive and normal (hopefully feeling like myself once all of these *&%$ing drugs are out of my system.)
But it's hard. It's hard confronting the holidays without even the hope of being pregnant. Even though we're only approaching the second year in our IF journey, it feels like a decade has gone by with nothing to show for it. Facebook is teeming with other peoples' cute kids and I just can't anymore. I really don't go on except to post some humorous status update or silly Oscar photo (because he's the furry baby I have right now.)
Could I be more positive? Of course. But that's generally not my outlook. I am not Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music" and I never will be. I'm a cautious, skeptical Mr. Spock when it comes to IVF stuff. Sure, there are times when it's easier than others to look around and be grateful for how well things have gone up to this point. There are good days, bad days, days that seem to ramble on interminably and days that whip by because I spent the entire time doing housework or reading. School ends tomorrow. I am nowhere near finished but at least I don't have finals this time.
For one thing, I can't wait to be around all of my cousins' children during the holidays but when I look at them, the longing returns. The "I thought that would be us by now" feeling won't leave, even though I love those kids and would do anything for them. The more time that goes by, the more I start to feel a little pang of regret that we didn't try earlier. (Yes, I know we're not even married two years yet...I didn't say it was rational!) Maybe then they would be closer in age, I tell myself.
I just hate taking a break at the moment I least want to stop. We were so close. We will be close again, I know, but it doesn't much take away the sting of having to do my least favorite thing on the planet: be patient.
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