The Beat Goes On

This is four days late but hey, it's been one of those weeks...

Something was not sitting right with me after last Sunday's fiasco so I left a message for Nurse Anne Tuesday morning updating her on the situation.  The bleeding hadn't really resolved and I wanted answers. She called me back by the end of the day and it turns out, she had no record of anything "irregular" on my chart.  She saw that I went to Basking Ridge on Sunday and I explained why.  I told her about Doogie and how freaked out I was when we left and she was very reassuring.  My blood work was where it should be so most likely there was nothing to worry about but she had me go in Wednesday morning for an us/s to get us back on our weekly schedule and find out what exactly was going on in there.

Dr. Bohrer was perkier than usual when he saw us and that was reassuring.  Without saying anything, he diagnosed me immediately.  Turns out the bleeding is caused by a Subchorionic Hematoma (SCH: a blood clot in the uterine wall) and this occurs in about 20% of first trimester pregnancies.  I had done my research and knew that this was a possibility and the the prognosis can really go either way, depending on the location.  I'm one of the lucky ones: the clot is very small and it's positioned far enough away from the amniotic sac that it isn't a direct danger to the baby.  It's not even touching the placenta.  Of course he did caution me to take it easy until the clot either bleeds out entirely or is reabsorbed by my uterus - and there's no telling when that will be, a few weeks or longer - but he didn't seem that worried.  No pelvic activity for me until this is resolved...

Then we moved on to more pleasant findings.  We saw the little tadpole - really, it looks more like a miniature beluga whale - and then my eye caught the flicker.  Rhett noticed it right away, too, and sure enough, there was the heartbeat at 6 weeks.  We got to hear it on the monitor.  117 bpm, right on target!  Hemorrhage or not, this baby is making itself at home for the long haul. 

Lentil Purgatory

It's been a rough few days.  Valentine's weekend brought more angst than lovey-dovey feelings this year when I discovered some heavy spotting (not uncommon, I know but this was different) coupled with some intense cramping.  The cramps are what put me over the edge.  I was convinced it was over by Saturday evening, that there was nothing anyone could do for me.  With nothing to lose, I decided to call the emergency after hours line and within five minutes, a doctor called me back. 

He was very calm as I explained my symptoms and gave me this guideline: unless you've soaked through 2 or 3 jumbo pads, it's probably nothing to worry about but come in tomorrow for an ultrasound anyway.

Ok.  Definitely not sleeping that night...

Sunday morning's trek to Basking Ridge was uneventful and we lucked out and saw the doctor I spoke to on the phone.   Picture Doogie Howser rummaging around down there.  He couldn't have been more than 30-something going on 17. 

He informed me that this kind of spotting/cramping occurs in nearly 40% of RMA pregnancies but he gets those calls understandably all the time.  Ok, feeling better.  Then we see the sesame seed and it's measuring 6 weeks 1 day, a bit ahead of where I thought.  :)  I'm starting to relax but he's lingering and poking and prodding.  What does he see that we don't?  Of course I ask what we should be looking for as I can't stand silence in the exam room.  Experience has taught me this is never a good thing.

"I'm seeing what I expect to see at 6 weeks: there's the fetal pole which will be the fetus, there's the yolk and there's the sac which is looking a bit irregular."

Irregular?  How?  Why?

"Oh, it's nothing I'd worry about just yet.  We'll have you come back in 4-5 days to check for a heartbeat and at that point, we'll know a bit more.  This is so early still."

NOT HELPING NOT HELPING NOT HELPING.

Of the entire 6 minutes, all I can hear over and over is "irregular" in a shaming echo in my brain.  What does that mean?  Is it because our frosties were oblong in shape?  Because our first view of the poppy seed resembled Sri Lanka instead of a sphere?  It's supposed to be round, the gestational sac - I know this because I have eyes and I've read extensively and looked at "normal" pictures.  But nature has variants, right?

So our little lentil isn't "regular."  So what?  Well, at this point, I hope that means diddly squat.  Of course I'm prepared for the fact that this could be the difference between development and, well, not.  I was in a bad place on Sunday.  I didn't want to get out of bed for fear of doing anything wrong to hurt my chances.  But then, like Lazarus from the tomb, I got my ass up on Monday morning and went to work saying "fuck it."  If this baby wants to be born, it will be and I don't have much of a say in the matter.

I have a feeling this is a strong little stowaway who doesn't take crap from anything or anyone, least of all less-than-ideal living conditions.  Why else would it hang on through a semester in high school?

So we wait again.  It's getting easier, I tell myself, to be zen about shit you can't change. 

End of Week 5

I know...I've been terrible about the sesame seed updates this week.  I've been feeling the crunch at school between snow days and frustrating freshmen who refuse to do homework.  I have 3 kids with a 65 or lower in my class at this point.  I realize this is not a personal failure but the pigheaded displays of teenage boys really get under my skin.  DO YOUR HOMEWORK!  It's not rocket science, for crying out loud!

I am almost at the 6 week mark (Sunday) and looking forward to seeing the heartbeat at Tuesday's ultrasound.  Maybe then it will feel real?  Right now, looking at the ultrasound, I might as well be staring at the surface of Venus.  It's a dark smudge in a white blob and while "it" will fast become a baby, it's just so...disconnected right now.  How can something so tiny that no one else can see yet cause so much upheaval in my body?  I'm sure I'm not the first woman who doesn't feel pregnant at this early stage - and it is early - but I find myself just flat out forgetting some days.  It's bizarre!

Aside from the fatigue and the dizziness and the sore breasts, it just feels like I'm on fertility drugs still trying.  I mean, I am on drugs at least until we're discharged, but I think we've both gone from shock to elation to anxiety to cautious breath-holding all in the space of 2 weeks.  I want to be happy, I want this baby to be viable, and I want to know from here on that it's all going to go smoothly.  Of course I can't know that.  No one does.  It just seems harder to let go of blood work and ultrasound every other day, waiting a week or more between visual confirmation that it's actually happening.  Maybe this will get easier once the smudge resembles an actual human.  I should count myself lucky that I even get to see the baby this early on because no one but fertility patients experiences these early scans.    

Today I did my first prenatal yoga tape, sanctioned by Nurse Anne, and it felt good to be a bit tight, working muscles that have had "off" for about three weeks.  After Tuesday, I get to do light cardio again and maybe the emotional side of things will balance out once I feel like a functioning person again. 

Did I mention I'm sick of snow days?  It's just another excuse for these bozos to "forget" they owe me work tomorrow.  Ugh, and it's Valentine's Day?  Maybe we'll have off...ha!  It'll be like herding a bunch of chihuahua's jacked up on sugar. 

Yolk and Sac

Behold the sesame seed, magnified for your viewing ease. 

The yolk is the dark smudge in the middle of the white blob (it kind of looks like a bagel or doughnut.)  My uterus is the shadowy darker sphere above the smoky white bits, the edge of which is about halfway up the image.  The yolk will start to resemble a humanoid at some point in the next week or two once the spinal cord and brain form.  Then we'll get to see the classic tadpole stage by 7 weeks.  Right now, it's basically amniotic fluid that will show us a heartbeat or a "flicker" by next Tuesday.  The egg white part becomes placenta, which is the site of implantation.  Cool stuff!

As of Monday morning, only one sac and yolk was visible.  This surprised even Dr. Hock who commented that she was sure there'd be two considering my numbers.  This isn't, however, the final word on the matter.  Some women have latent sacs that don't become visible until a week or two later.  It's ain't over till we're sure there's only one baby in there. 

I can't say I'm disappointed, really, but I will say I was surprised.  The three of us in that room were surprised, given my early symptoms and sky-high betas.  But that's Darwinism for you, I guess.  I'd rather lose one now before even really knowing it existed rather than later.  Better to have one extremely healthy baby than two competing for limited space.  Plus, shopping for two of everything might give a certain someone an aneurism at the checkout. 

For the moment, this pumpkin is still due October 13.

5 Weeks

It's Sunday.  This means my handy MyPregnancy app will announce with great fanfare that "your baby is the size of a _____" today. 

Today we've reached the sesame seed stage.

The first day I downloaded this app, it told me "you may just be finding out you're pregnant this week.  Invest in some supportive bras." 

It wasn't kidding.  Those sesame seeds may seem small but they've taken over my entire body.  In two short weeks, I've gone from a 34B to a 36C, am practically a walking narcoleptic with moderate vertigo and a desire to eat vast quantities of onions and red meat. 

All of our hopes are pinned on Tuesday morning's ultrasound.  Once we see some visual evidence, I think we'll both relax a bit more and try to enjoy this crazy ride.  I, for one, would love to be released to do any kind of exercise and taking of tubs.  Walking from classroom to classroom and hauling my books and files around is the extent of my physical exertion right now and it's driving me nuts.  Of course I'm grateful to have school to keep me focused for 9+ hours a day but even just some yoga would be lovely.  I don't need to go back to my cardio kickboxing class or anything extreme but I do need to find a way to combat this fatigue, since caffeine is off limits.  

I'm thankful to be so busy at school that I don't even have time to get hungry like I do when left to my own devices.  I have plenty of snacks with me but the appetite hasn't been an issue at work.  It's the weekends when I make up for it, though.  I get home Friday nights and all I can think about is what I want Rhett to cook for the next two nights.  When I'm not working, the cave woman comes out and begs for bison or steak or complicated soups with meaty bases and savory vegetables. 

Rhett has been more than obliging and I do always promise him a Wegman's run to get the ingredients, even if I change my mind three times in the store about what it is that I actually want to eat.  (boneless buffalo wings?  parmesan and olives?)  I think he delights in yelling out, "you can't eat that; you're pregnant!" when we pass the briny delights of mussels and clams.  I will train myself to stop missing them since this is a worthy reason to give them up.  Besides, now we know we can get farmed shellfish year-round so they'll certainly be around next fall. 

Spreading cheer for all to hear

The second "snow day" this week seemed like the perfect opportunity to make a few phone calls to  family members who were waiting to hear from us.  Rhett stayed home (good thing since the NEC line was suspended late morning) and Oscar loafed around the couch as we made our happy calls.  There was much yelling and thanking God, some tears, and general excitement.  It feels so good to finally be able to tell people.  We haven't been on this journey alone and it's extremely validating to share the joy with those who have wished us well along the way.

Then it was time to make more onion soup.  Even the act of dialing and talking for over an hour wiped me out so I retired to bed for a bit while Rhett fixed up the broth with homemade beef stock.  We tried the first batch last night and it was too sweet for me.  I'm in a savory place, craving mostly comforting flavors.  Sad to say I haven't wanted chocolate or dessert or anything in over two weeks.  I would never turn down pesto, olives, or onions though. 

I descended the stairs to the fragrant wafting from the kitchen and look what was abloom:

It started to bud last Friday, the day of the HPT, but really opened up overnight.  Good timing, Amaryllis. 

Something new

Ah.  So that's what morning sickness feels like.  I learned this yesterday around 4:30 PM.  I've been having some crazy vertigo spells like Lucille II if I get up too quickly or stare at a screen for too long but my first true wave of nausea leveled me for about an hour and a half. 

After consulting various sources, I decided to stay away from ginger tea (it's on the "likely safe" list which means there isn't enough research either way) but next time I probably will go for the peppermint tea.  I have vowed not to be one of those women who lives in fear of eating the "wrong thing" for her entire pregnancy.  Stay away from the obvious and I'll be just fine, thank you very much.

Not that I'm complaining about any of the side effects.  I'm totally not.  It makes me feel like something is happening in there with the poppy seeds doing back flips or something.  Makes it more "real" that things are moving along past cramps and engorged breasts (which, let's be honest, happens every month anyway.)  I am keeping my fingers crossed that the next 8 weeks of teaching are uneventful because school is literally the last place I'd want to be overheated/nauseous/dizzy.  I can see it now: "Ms. Caldwell, why are you lying on the floor?"  ha! 

The best news since finding out is that I seem to have no trouble now digesting dairy.  Thanks, hCG!  I plan to load up on healthy calcium whenever possible and that includes string cheese which I haven't had since probably 8th grade.  Such a good snack.  I used to put it on Ritz crackers with peanut butter but the thought of that now is not so appealing...

Thank goodness this is technically a "half day" due to snow delay.  I can handle 25 min periods. 

BFP!

The sticks don't lie - neither does the beta test which came in at 305 yesterday - it's official!  I am definitely pregnant.  Let there be dancing in the street, a thousand piece brass band, and the Hallelujah Chorus played.

Yes, you may have noticed that those are home tests (HPT) and that is initially how we found out.  The blood test confirmed what I already knew and I'm glad we did it my way, even though one of us wasn't too keen on the idea and wanted to wait.  We found out in the privacy of our own home without waiting for a phone call from a medical professional.  We found out the way millions of couples get to find out: in an intimate moment, independent of medications and injections and worry.  For two whole days, it was our sweet secret -- that's something we haven't had in a very, very long time and probably won't have again.

We got to ease in to the life-changing news gradually and celebrate when we got the call from Anne at 7:45 AM Sunday morning to confirm our joy. 

And then that joy turned to something resembling this:

Wait, is this really happening?  Are we going to be parents?  305 did she say?  Could it be...twins?  Or one incredible hulk baby?  Well, that explains why I've been craving onions for five days...And my face?  I've got some serious Asian Flush going on. 

So many thoughts go flashing through your head that it's exhausting.  You're elated and in denial at the same time like this somehow isn't possible ...surely you don't mean, me, do you?  After everything we've been through, a year on our own trying with no luck and the past 8 months with assistance, just hoping to make it to transfer one day, this is it.  Poof.  I'm pregnant.  In a weird way, it seems like someone sprinkled fairy dust and that was all it took - just close your eyes and wish it true.  In reality, we fought long and hard for this and will continue to fight for these little lives that have taken up residence inside me.  

Yesterday was Day 1 of my fourth week (confusing, yes, but they count from your last menstrual cycle) so the helpful food-size comparison for the week is a poppy seed.  They aren't considered fetuses yet but the embryos will be visible on a sonogram next week when they grow to the size of a sesame seed.  We have the makings of an everything bagel here, don't we?