End of Week 5

I know...I've been terrible about the sesame seed updates this week.  I've been feeling the crunch at school between snow days and frustrating freshmen who refuse to do homework.  I have 3 kids with a 65 or lower in my class at this point.  I realize this is not a personal failure but the pigheaded displays of teenage boys really get under my skin.  DO YOUR HOMEWORK!  It's not rocket science, for crying out loud!

I am almost at the 6 week mark (Sunday) and looking forward to seeing the heartbeat at Tuesday's ultrasound.  Maybe then it will feel real?  Right now, looking at the ultrasound, I might as well be staring at the surface of Venus.  It's a dark smudge in a white blob and while "it" will fast become a baby, it's just so...disconnected right now.  How can something so tiny that no one else can see yet cause so much upheaval in my body?  I'm sure I'm not the first woman who doesn't feel pregnant at this early stage - and it is early - but I find myself just flat out forgetting some days.  It's bizarre!

Aside from the fatigue and the dizziness and the sore breasts, it just feels like I'm on fertility drugs still trying.  I mean, I am on drugs at least until we're discharged, but I think we've both gone from shock to elation to anxiety to cautious breath-holding all in the space of 2 weeks.  I want to be happy, I want this baby to be viable, and I want to know from here on that it's all going to go smoothly.  Of course I can't know that.  No one does.  It just seems harder to let go of blood work and ultrasound every other day, waiting a week or more between visual confirmation that it's actually happening.  Maybe this will get easier once the smudge resembles an actual human.  I should count myself lucky that I even get to see the baby this early on because no one but fertility patients experiences these early scans.    

Today I did my first prenatal yoga tape, sanctioned by Nurse Anne, and it felt good to be a bit tight, working muscles that have had "off" for about three weeks.  After Tuesday, I get to do light cardio again and maybe the emotional side of things will balance out once I feel like a functioning person again. 

Did I mention I'm sick of snow days?  It's just another excuse for these bozos to "forget" they owe me work tomorrow.  Ugh, and it's Valentine's Day?  Maybe we'll have off...ha!  It'll be like herding a bunch of chihuahua's jacked up on sugar.