It's been a rough few days. Valentine's weekend brought more angst than lovey-dovey feelings this year when I discovered some heavy spotting (not uncommon, I know but this was different) coupled with some intense cramping. The cramps are what put me over the edge. I was convinced it was over by Saturday evening, that there was nothing anyone could do for me. With nothing to lose, I decided to call the emergency after hours line and within five minutes, a doctor called me back.
He was very calm as I explained my symptoms and gave me this guideline: unless you've soaked through 2 or 3 jumbo pads, it's probably nothing to worry about but come in tomorrow for an ultrasound anyway.
Ok. Definitely not sleeping that night...
Sunday morning's trek to Basking Ridge was uneventful and we lucked out and saw the doctor I spoke to on the phone. Picture Doogie Howser rummaging around down there. He couldn't have been more than 30-something going on 17.
He informed me that this kind of spotting/cramping occurs in nearly 40% of RMA pregnancies but he gets those calls understandably all the time. Ok, feeling better. Then we see the sesame seed and it's measuring 6 weeks 1 day, a bit ahead of where I thought. :) I'm starting to relax but he's lingering and poking and prodding. What does he see that we don't? Of course I ask what we should be looking for as I can't stand silence in the exam room. Experience has taught me this is never a good thing.
"I'm seeing what I expect to see at 6 weeks: there's the fetal pole which will be the fetus, there's the yolk and there's the sac which is looking a bit irregular."
Irregular? How? Why?
"Oh, it's nothing I'd worry about just yet. We'll have you come back in 4-5 days to check for a heartbeat and at that point, we'll know a bit more. This is so early still."
NOT HELPING NOT HELPING NOT HELPING.
Of the entire 6 minutes, all I can hear over and over is "irregular" in a shaming echo in my brain. What does that mean? Is it because our frosties were oblong in shape? Because our first view of the poppy seed resembled Sri Lanka instead of a sphere? It's supposed to be round, the gestational sac - I know this because I have eyes and I've read extensively and looked at "normal" pictures. But nature has variants, right?
So our little lentil isn't "regular." So what? Well, at this point, I hope that means diddly squat. Of course I'm prepared for the fact that this could be the difference between development and, well, not. I was in a bad place on Sunday. I didn't want to get out of bed for fear of doing anything wrong to hurt my chances. But then, like Lazarus from the tomb, I got my ass up on Monday morning and went to work saying "fuck it." If this baby wants to be born, it will be and I don't have much of a say in the matter.
I have a feeling this is a strong little stowaway who doesn't take crap from anything or anyone, least of all less-than-ideal living conditions. Why else would it hang on through a semester in high school?
So we wait again. It's getting easier, I tell myself, to be zen about shit you can't change.
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