11/12/13

I promised myself and any future children that I would chronicle my experience leading up to their birth. My first two cycles, I didn't journal at all, I was in that much pain. It's just as well, as they were cancelled. So here we are after my first Lupron shot on Tuesday, November 12, 2013. I will write through it this time, if only to give me hope and make this real.

After bw and u/s (that's blood work and ultrasound), the nurse hands you a calendar when you meet to go over the shots. Just looking at those small boxes with dates makes it seem almost surmountable. "Look," you tell yourself. "I will be finished with these injections in 10 days or so and everything will be alright." If only it were that simple. I know what lies ahead and it is less than simple. It's a miracle babies are born naturally at all when you consider everything that can and does go wrong. We IVFers have it rough, that's for sure. We know too much. There's a danger in thinking about it constantly but try as I might, my entire day is structured around shot in the morning, shots at night. I want to get it right this time. I MUST get it right this time. It's our last chance.

To anyone who's been here, who is here with me, godspeed on your journey. I hope each and every one of us gets exactly what we wish. It would be nice to think that could happen because we want it so badly, because we're good people trying to perform a basic human function that was denied us by some cruel genetic lottery. My heart goes out to those who trudge on, BFN after BFN (big fat negative.) This cycle is it for me. I know it, my family knows it, and I am learning to accept it. It gets easier, day by day, as we get a little closer to our goal. It could work out. It could not. For now, I'll tell my story as it happens since that's all I really can do as I wait the wait we all meet with equal parts excitement and fear. Will it ever be me? In a month we'll know for certain but until then, hope is where I hang my hat.