Pre-scan blues

It's Friday.  For most people, this is the best day of the week.  I've got a lot to look forward to, as well: Rhett comes home tonight after three nights in London and tomorrow is our first check-in bw/us during this stim cycle.  I should be super excited but instead, I feel numb.  I blame the Lupron.  I feel so negative and on edge since I started injections this time.  I have a weirdly non-existent appetite for anything but - get this - Golden Grahams.  I went to sleep on Wednesday just craving them so I drove myself to the store on Thursday, bought a box, and that is basically what I ate yesterday.  What the heck?  I don't even like Golden Grahams and as a general rule, stims are supposed to make you ravenous for everything in sight but nope.  I just wanted some cereal.

Is this even working?  That is what I keep thinking over and over.  Why don't I feel like anything is growing?  Why am I not moody/sad/bloated?  Sure, it's only Day 4 but I am honestly so down on this whole process that it scares me.  I don't like this feeling one bit.  I want to be positive, I want to hold onto that hope I tell everyone I have but where did it go?  Did I have it in the first place or was I saying my lines, the dutiful performance of a desperate IVF patient?  It's maddening to watch myself spiral like this.  With every injection, I feel more emotion slipping away and now I can't stop Googling adoption and dreaming of a plump Asian baby.  WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

And the truly frightening thing is, I consider today a "good day."  Yesterday was terrible.  I almost walked out half way through acupuncture because I didn't see the point.  Isn't that nuts?  Then I got the ear needles and they always calm me down.  She says it's my stress point and I have a lot of anger.  Really?  You think so? 

Then again, maybe the stims are doing what they're supposed to do if they're messing with my body  chemistry this much.  I don't like it but I'll cope if that's the case.  Tomorrow we'll have a better idea of what, if anything, is happening so maybe I'll be able to take a chill pill after the appointment.  Probably not, but at least there are a bunch of dumb movies on Netflix to queue up with my boys this weekend.